Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize