question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
