weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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