There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
