Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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