dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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