I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize