Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We got so high we made milksteak
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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