It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
