Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
