how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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