the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
