Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
