We named our party play list daddy issues
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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