So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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