y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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