I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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