I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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