that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
