The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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