Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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