If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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