i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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