Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
