Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
