so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
