Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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