maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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