You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
