the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
