you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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