I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
