Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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