Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
