Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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