I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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