Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
