We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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