also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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