hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I met the friendliest cop last night
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
