I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
