I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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