you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She told me I should be a condom model.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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