Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
