please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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