does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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