There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
