My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
