Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
