absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
