I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize