I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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