So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
