You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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