textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
