the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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